York Smork’s Adventure 2: The Amazing Sequel

“Testing, testing, 1-2-1. Okay, now – you in the front ma’am, what’s your question? … Uh, I am the author of the book. Okay, now, let’s get one thing straight. Do NOT call this book amazing. Call it another word, such as awesome or epic. I know you look at the title and say, ‘Why the heck not?’ Well, here’s why. ‘Amazing’ is one of the most overused words of the twenty-first century. Go up to any guy (and I mean ANY guy) and try to have a conversation with him and I can guarantee he will say something like this: ‘I love this Whopper, it’s amazing. And that wedding I went to? It was amazing. My favorite show’s ‘House.’ It’s just amazing.’ See what I mean? The only things that I call amazing are Spiderman and stage magicians. But this story isn’t about me. It’s about a loser and his loser friends. (But I am none of them so I should probably shut up right now.) So remember these two things while reading:
1) If a little birdie comes up and tells me that you called this book amazing instead of one of the other words, I will hunt you down and shoot you with a harpoon.
2) Enjoy the book!

( The rest of the story is here... )

In case you missed a part, or if you were waiting to read the entire story at once, here is the complete "York-Smork's Adventure."

A year from yesterday, way out above China, there was a super-villain named Yorgie. He was your casual, tall, thin headed, mustachioed bad guy who wore the same purple suit and gloves every day. He went around the universe blowing up random planets. Bottom line: he didn’t care about the planet as long as it was blown up.

( Click here to read the rest! )

"What video game is this?"

"Mario Party DS."

"What's the difficulty and objective?"

"The difficulty is easy, but I could blab on forever about the objective."

"I've got a lot of time."

"What do you mean? If we wait around for too long, they'll beat us."

"No they won't. Look."

He turned around to see that everything was frozen. One player with a red hat was suspended in mid-jump.

"It seems as if every time we exit a vehicle, time malfunctions."

"Whoa. You've got quite a big vocabulary for someone your size."

"Yeah. I was trying to sound like you."

"Wannabe."

"Well let's find a way to start time again."

"Hold on a second." I think we could use this piece of the kart at some point for something. I'll just put it in my pocket for when we need it."

"Hey. Do you have anything else in your pocket right now?"

"Yeah, I do. I have the tracking device and the gun from Halo. Oh, and some pocket lint. Why? Is it mandatory for you to know everything that's in your partner's pocket?"

"No, I just thought that it looked like your pocket seemed a little bulky."

"Oh. Hey, I guess it does."

"Okay, so now let's see if we can find a way to start time again."

"Well I think all of these parts mixed together should do the trick, but I don't have the tools to do it."

"Well, in this game, stars hold great power so maybe it could morph them together."

"But we'd have to pass four things: a person with a green hat, a guy with a mushroom for a head, a frog dragon, and a guy with a red hat."

"We could go around them."

"Oh, narf. Why didn't I think of that? Usually I'm the one with the good ideas and stuff like that."

"Well, let's do it then."

So they did. They got the star, combined the three items and made the time ray.

"Let's test this sucker out."

"Hold on there, little green guy. It's very complicated. There are four settings. Fast forward, resume, stop, and rewind. We need to set it to resume, and then we can 'test this sucker out.'"

"Okay, I'll set it to resume. There, see? You don't have to treat me like and incomprehensive little kid, I hope you know."

"But you are, though."

"You deserve a good slapping, I hope you know that."

"Who cares? Let's just pull the trigger on that thing so we can get out of here."

"Okay."

So he pulled the trigger, and in a blinding flash of light, time started again. The person with a red hat kept going, but when he got to the place where the star was, he was confused.

"Huw? (Hey, where did the star go?)"

Then the frog dragon accused York-Smork and Peter of stealing it.

"Harrrrrrrrrr! (I bet those two took it!)"

And then the guy in the green hat chimed in.

"Hnnnng! (Hey you two, the only way you get a star around here is if you earn it fair and square!)"

Then the guy with a mushroom for a head tried to back them up. "Heyayi (You guys, I don't think they did it.)"

But frog dragon wasn't too happy about that.

"Harrrrrrrr?! (Well if you like them so much, why don't you give them a hug?!)"

Frog dragon ate mushroom head, turning him into an egg. He then threw mushroom head's eggified form at York-Smork and Peter. Seeing the incoming projectile, York-Smork stood in front of Peter, looked down and started the propeller, releasing it at just the right time so that the shell was annihilated, but mushroom head was completely unharmed. Mushroom head ran away while red hat and green hat jumped in from of York-Smork and Peter, respectively.

"Yah. (If you can beat us in a minigame, we'll give you all of our stars.)"

And then red hat made it a little more interesting.

"Yahaw. (And everyone else's stars.)"

Mushroom head and frog dragon seemed as if they didn't follow.

"Nnnngyah?! (Right?!)"

Fearing that red hat might beat them to a pulp, they nodded furiously. (Now let's battle!), red hat and green hat yelled in unison.

Then everything went dark. When they could see again, they were in a place where the floor seemed to remotely resemble pixels on a video game screen. There were walls that made a rectangle about the shape of a Nintendo DS video game system screen. Then the walls started to move forward.

"Hey Peter."

"What is it?"

"Can I use the time ray for a second?"

"What would you want to blast at a time like right now?"

"I'm going to freeze those two guys, so that the wall can push them into one of these holes."

"That's cheating, you big fat cheater head!"

"So, who cares?"

"They will once they figure out that they, along with mushroom head and frog dragon, have been cheated out of all of their stars."

"So. We're not them."

"Dang. I can't argue with that. Here you go."

"Thanks. Now to set it to stop, and there! Not only do we have animation, but now it's going to be suspended!"

So he blasted both of them and, conveniently, there was a hole to each one's immediate twelve o'clock.

"Yahaw. (I don't know how we lost but we promised so hand them over, you guys.)"

At first they were whiney about it, but after red hat put on his mad face, they played hot potato.

"Yah. (Here you go.)"

All the star power combined, and a portal formed.

"Let's see where this one takes us."

It led straight to the planet core.

"Now all we have to do is set the time ray to reverse and blast the planet core. It won't rematerialize the explosives because they aren't here anymore."

"Okay, so. Reverse and BLAST!"

So he blasted it. Peter grabbed onto his legs as he flew way out to let the planet reassemble. When it was done he hit resume and blasted it. They flew back down afterwards. Everyone was waking up from a state of unconsciousness saying, "What happened?" Then Yorgie flew up in his chair.

"No! How did you do it?"

"Hey Peter, I wonder what happens if you blast something in fast forward three times?"

"Why don't you test it out?"

So he did...on Yorgie. And with that he aged into oblivion.

"Talk about 'don't cross the streams!'"

Then the planet's president saw them.

"You two. You saved us! I'm making you honorary planet heroes!"

So they had a big celebration. Peter contacted his father, who said it was okay to stay with York-Smork. And York-Smork never had to eat pineapple pizza or watery hot chocolate ever again. How do I know this, you ask? Because I am Zorgie, Yorgie's brother. And one day, I will avenge my family. Ah, ha, ha!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________

Final word count: 5179

"Okay, first things first. We need to find a way out of this cave."

"I have an idea that's seemingly efficient."

"What is it?"

"We keep going straight until we hit a wall. And then we turn. And then we keep going straight until we hit a wall. And then we turn. And the we keep - "

"Okay, we get it!"

"Then let's try it!"

So they tried it, and to their surprise, it worked! But a nasty surprise was waiting for them at the exit.

"Finally. Out of that place!"

At that moment, something walked into sight.

"Hey, I didn't know they served lunch here."

"Hey Peter, isn't that one of the carnivores that chased us?"

"Si ti, haey."

"You weren't even there!"

"Yeah, it is. Wait. Let's get out of here!"

So they went back into the cave and ran aimlessly around the tunnels until they saw a portal.

"Quick! In here!"

So they went through the portal. On the other side was a strange place, but it was definitely on Earth.

"Hey you guys, I remember this place from a video game I played before."

"Which one?"

"Halo."

At that moment, there was a loud bang, and Bob collapsed.

"Bob, are you okay?"

"Em no og. Enif be ll'I"

"Okay."

"Tceffe citamard rof taht did tsuj I!"

There was another loud bang, after which Bob flinched and then didn't move again!

"This looks like a good time to find the portal."

So they looked and looked and looked and looked, but they couldn't find it.

"Where is it, WHERE IS IT?"

"Well, it would be a lot less stressful to find if we had these gunmen bite the dust."

"So then let's do that."

"But wait. We'd be Swiss cheese before we got remotely close enough to punch them."

"Well there's a crate over there. Let's see if it has any guns in it."

And, predictably, there were. Not very good guns, but guns just the same.

"Let's go gunman hunting."

So they did. They killed one person but when they killed the other, a portal appeared.

"Oh, I get it. If we beat the game, a portal appears."

"Well let's go through that portal."

So they did. And they ended up somewhere that looked like a racetrack.

"Looks like we need to beat all these losers."

"There's just one problem, though."

"What?"

"There's only one car left."

"Okay, I just want to tell you one thing though."

"What?"

"I call driving!"

"But you don't even know how to."

"Relax, I'll figure it out."

So they got in the car and drove up to the starting line. They heard the numbers three and two, after which York-Smork revved up the engine.

"What are you doing?"

"Glitching it."

One.

"How does one glitch this thing?"

Then the race started, and they got a huge speed boost and sped ahead of everyone else.

"Oh, like that."

"Yeah, thanks. But for now, just grab that question mark block."

"Okay, now what?"

"Break it open and tell me what's inside."

"A yellow mushroom with a crown on it."

"Good. Keep squeezing it. It'll make us go faster."

When he did he got such a big speed boost that the person in second place was out of sight.

Lap two.

"Hey, York-Smork. Do you hear a faint whistling noise?"

"Dang it! I do."

"Why do you sound so mad all of a sudden?"

At that moment - yeah, I like that phrase. It means the same thing as "suddenly" but never gets old! Anyway. At that moment, a flying blue shell with spikes on it flew up from behind.

"Brace for impact!"

"What do you mean?"

The shell descended at the speed of sound, exploded when it landed, and flung the duo into the air.

"Impact? A shell with the atomic stability of C4 dive bombs into our car at mach one and you call that impact?"

"One, yes I do. And two, shut up so I can finish this dang race."

Final lap.

On the next turn that York-Smork hit, he drifted.

"I didn't know this was a drift car."

"Well you do now. But for now, just tell me when the sparks coming off of the back of my rear tires turn red."

"Sparks? What sparks? Oh, there they are. Yeah, they're red."

At that moment, he stopped drifting, which then gave him a speed boost.

"Wow. You are really good at this."

"Thanks. Now aren't you glad that I'm driving this thing?"

"Road hazard ahead!"

"What? Where? I don't see it."

Can you believe that that's what he said right before he drove over a banana peel? Pretty sad, isn't it?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!"

"You're that unobservant that you can't see a neon yellow object sitting right in front of you? You need to get your eyes checked because, like the narrator just said a few seconds ago, that is pretty sad."

"Shut up. At least now we're on the home stretch. And look, there's the portal waiting for us at the finish line. At least I can see that."

Right after he said that, another racer somehow managed to catch up to and pass them, after which the portal disappeared.

"Sorry buddy, but it wasn't your destiny to win this race."

York-Smork rammed into the other car as hard as he could.

"Don't you think that will damage our car?"

"It's kart racing. Of course it won't. But it sure does slow the ramee down!"

"I don't think that's a word."

"Really? I thought you could add 'ee' on to the end of any word and it would mean 'something that's been.' Anyway, we need to pass this guy."

"Try drifting."

"It's hard on straight roads. And even if I could, it would be a hollow victory. But there is something else I could do."

He drove right behind the person in first. Somehow, he got a huge speed boost, slammed his opponent to the side and reclaimed first just in time to pass the finish line and rocket through the portal.

It let out into a huge garden. I don't mean that there was a lot of stuff in it (although there was). I mean the ratio of size of person to size of plant, which was about one to two.

________________________________________________________________________________

Current word count: 4020/5000

So they went through the portal. But instead of seeing Peter's dad, they saw, well, nothing. It was pitch black in the room they were in.

"Hey you guys, I can't see anything."

"Won, yllaer?"

"I get tired of saying this, but shut up!"

"Yeah Bob."

"Su fo htob tnaem eh kniht I, noitamrofni ruoy rof dna, efil ym evil to woh em llet t'nod, yeh."

"Okay, fine I won't if you don't want me to."

"Em gnissid uoy era?"

"Maybe I am. Do you want to make something of it?"

"Od I ebyam llew."

"Okay then, buddy. You, me, one on one."

"Yeah, just one tiny little detail. How does one fight in the pitch black dark?"

Sud - er - dang! Let's see here. Where is it? WHERE IS IT? Mom, where did you put my thesaurus? Oh, duh! Let's see here... Oh! Out of the blue, part of the roof fell down, and that's when they realized that they weren't in a room at all, they were in a cave.

"Hey, we're in a cave."

"Really? He just said that."

"Oh, well. Let the battle commence!"

"Nwod gniog re'uoy!"

"We'll see about that."

Now Bob threw some pretty powerful punches, but York-Smork, having a flight advantage, dodged all of them yelling "Epic Fail!" every time. So the whole brawl pretty much sounded like:

Woosh! "Epic fail!" Woosh! "Epic fail!" Woosh! "Epic fail!" Woosh! "Epic fail!" until York-Smork finally ended it with a powerful punch. Then it sounded like:

Pow! "Wo, wo, wo, wo , wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo!"

"York-Smork, level up! HP, +3, SP, +2, Pow, +3, Def, +1, Speed, +2."

After York-Smork finished his level up, Bob woke from his state of unconsciousness, but not with the right personality.

"What's going on here?"

"Bob?"

"Who's Bob? I'm Elvis Presley."

"Bob, what have you been smoking lately?"

"I repeat. I am not Bob, I am Elvis Presley."

"I think I have a cold. Achoo!"

At that moment, Peter turned into a pan.

"What just happened? Wait a second. I think I can answer that question myself. I'm in the middle of a cave, the genius turned into cookware, and the only other person with me thinks he's Elvis!"

"I am Elvis!"

"Shut up!"

At that moment, York-Smork was clueless of what to - hey! Who are you guys?

We're with the FBI. We've been informed that you've been buying items and charging them under someone else's name.

Cody! How have you been doing lately?

How have I been doing? Do you mean after you broke both my legs and ran off with my credit card? Not too well, as one would infer.

Take him away, boys!

No! I can't go to jail! I have a story to narrate! Please! Nooooooo!

"Great. Now the narrator's been arrested. Where can I go without him? Nowhere! Hey, I bet Peter won't mind if I hit myself in the head with him. Ug! Ug! Ug! Ug! Ug! Hey, I think I'm going unconscious. Yeah, I am...

"Pu gnikaw s'eh, yeh."

"What happened?"

"Well, Bob wasn't too happy about losing the fight, so he punched you in the head as hard as he could while you weren't looking."

Oh, okay. Wait. You son of a-"

"Hey, let's not do anything we'll regret here."

Peter was holding York-Smork by the back of his hat, keeping Bob out of harm's way.

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."

"Hih, huh. Hih, huh. Hih, huh."

"There. Feel better now?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

_______________________________________________________________________________

Current word count: 2963/5000

“Do you think you can help us activate the planet core?”

“Ebyam.”

“Okay then let’s go!”

But as soon as the trio turned around to head back, the portal closed.

“Wasn’t there a portal there a few seconds ago?”

“Kcolrehs, pid on!”

“Don’t talk to me like that, us, what’s your name?”

“Bob.”

“How come he’s able to say that forwards?”

“Because ‘Bob’ is spelled the same way forwards and backwards.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Well, that doesn’t matter. Right now we need to find a way out of here. Maybe my father can think of something that can help us.”

“Og s’tel! Rof gnitiaw ew era tahw neht?”

So they trekked across the mind teasing dimension until they came to a strange area. There were three buttons on the ground - one red, one blue and one green. Behind them there was a staircase. Half way up it was a white door. At the top was one red door, one blue door, and one green door (seem familiar?). On the side of the staircase was a sign. It said:

“Dear traveler: Behind one of the colored doors is a white button. Behind the other two are rabid animals. Each button opens the door of the same color. Behind the white door is whatever the opener desires. Good luck! You’re going to need it!”

“Suoregnad eb ot gniog si siht taht em sllet gnihtemos."

"Really?"

"Both of you, shut up! I'm trying to think of how we should do this."

"I only see one way."

"And that would be?"

"Press a button and hope that you don't get bit."

"Ti yrt stel. Suoivbo fo dnik s'taht llew."

"Okay, fine."

York-Smork pressed the red button and a poodle jumped down, landed on him and started licking his face.

"Get it off of me! It's killing me! Ah! It won't stop...licking me?"

"I guess he got his rabies shot."

"Yltnerappa."

"That was not cool!"

So York-Smork pressed the green button and a kitten jumped down and started playing with the loose string on his clothes.

"Ah! It's scratching me to death! Aw man. Not again!"

"Deja vu."

"Thgir, wonk I"

"Okay, let's try the blue button."

So he pressed it, but nothing happened.

"Finally. Peter, go up and press that button, would ya?"

"Okay."

So Peter went up and pressed the white button and, proving the sign right, the white door opened. But instead of a portal, a huge, ginormous mound of gold and money was behind it.

"Ngis diputs uoy esimorp ruoy ekorb uoy."

"You got that right! I can't believe I went through all that for nothing."

"It wasn't for nothing."

"It wasn't?"

"No, we learned that you can't trust signs."

"True, very true. But that doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that we still need to find a portal to get to your dad so that he can do what you've been telling us he can do to help me."

"Si latrop a erehw wonk I."

"Really? Where?"

"Ereht revo yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw."

"Dang, that's a long ways away. Can you show us on a map?

"Erus."

Bob pulled a map out of his pocket. He pointed to the very edge of the map and said, "Ereh er'ew."

He pointed to the opposite end of the map and said, "Ereht revo s'ti dna."

"Dang, that's a really long ways away. Oh well. We have to go there, so let's go!"

"Haey!"

"Okay!"

So they set off. After going over-

"Youch!"

Er, through pricker bushes, on top of-

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Er, under huge snow banks, they finally reached the portal.

"Finally. We reached the portal after traveling...one hundred yards?! Let me see the map scale. One inch equals twenty-five yards?! What kind of idiot would make a map like that?"

"Toidi fo dnik siht."

"Well at least we're at the portal. Let's go through it so your dad can help us."

________________________________________________________

Current word count: 2368/5000

“Hey, weren’t these asteroids moving when we went down to the planet?” asked York-Smork.

“Yeah, they were.”

“Not that it would matter right now, but what time is it?”

“It’s uh, hey my watch stopped working.”

“That’s weird.”

“We seem to be lost in time.”

“The tracking device isn’t working either.”

“That’s because everything is stuck the way it was when time stopped.”

“Well then we should probably find a way to start it up again. C’mon, let’s go.”

So our heroes asteroid hopped until they reached a large asteroid with a gate on it. On the top of the gate was a clock.

“This place looks time-y to me.”

“I agree. Let’s check it out.”

They explored the labyrinth beyond the gate. After almost losing each other and going around in circles at least fifty times, they at last came to the exit. Beyond the exit was a cliff. After venturing to the end of it they found a meditating squid-like creature. He was standing on his head!

“What are you doing?” asked York-Smork.

“Look down,” replied the squid.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“You look at this pose and then look down and yet you still don’t know what I’m doing? I’m picking up time energy. Waves of time crash upon my mental shore. My brain hangs ten. How long have I surfed? One month. As of late only large waves have come in. I used to surf on space’s beach until two men came along and flipped me over. How long did I surf there? One thousand years.”

“Yeah, yeah, help me and my big buddy here start up time again unless you want a foot stuck in your butt.”

“I will try.”

“Try to get a foot stuck in your butt?”

“No, start time. There we go.”

“Good, now let’s go find that planet core!”

“The planet core? That is a long way to asteroid hop. Here, I’ll teleport you. Look away. It’s no fun if you know my secret.”

The duo looked up, but when they looked back down, they saw the planet core a few yards away. It looked just like York-Smork had pictured it - a large bean-shaped asteroid. Instinctively, they ran toward it. But when they almost had it, it gave off such a strong resisting force that they flew backwards. Into the portal that the limo came from. They came out the other side. They flew past an old man, a woman, then flew into another portal.

“I believe he meant to do that!” said the old man.

That portal led them to a strange world where gravity seemed to be fickle. A man walked up to them and said:

“Ih.”

“Huh?”

“Olleh.”

“What language is that?”

“Sdrawkcab gnihtyreve od I yas elpoep, llew.”

“I think he’s a back talker,” said Peter.

“You mean he disobeys his parents?”

“No, I mean he talks backwards.”

“Is that what you’ve been trying to tell us?” York-Smork asked the stranger.

“Sey.”

________________________________________________________________________

Current word count: 1716/5000

“We interrupt this story to tell you this: the yo mama fight you were just about to hear contains immature humor that not all readers may find suitable. Let’s talk to the narrator. Mr. Narrator, how do you feel about this scene?”

Get outta here!

“And there you have it, folks. This is I.M. Dumm, signing off.”

“Wow, I got pwned so badly back there I feel like shooting myself in my little green head.”

“Yeah, but you did pull out a few I never would’ve seen coming.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well good luck finding the planet core.”

“Wait, what does it look like?”

“Blue.”

“Yeah, that sentence would get an A+ in grammar.”

“Who cares?”

“You got a point.”

“See ya.”

“Ditto.”

“Hmmm…where should I start? Aha! Video games always help. Doo de doo, File A. Ha! Take that, turd vampire! Stomp the turtle, grab his shell, take out all the other turd vampires. Whoa, big turtle. I wonder what will happen if I stomp this bug red button with a skull on it. Well that was somewhat violent, but at least I got rid of that giant turtle.”

Sudd…, er, without warning, a portal appeared and out of it flew a limo. A window rolled down. There was a man inside. York-Smork walked up to the car.

“Can I help you?” the stranger said sarcastically.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Peter King.”

“Well I need to find a blue planet core.”

“That’s easy, hand over the hand held and I’ll make you a tracking device.”

He made it so that there was one button on each side facing inward and there were magnets in front of the buttons that could slide easily. He zoomed in the camera as far as it could go.

“Why did you do that?”

“Planet cores give off a high amount of magnetism. The super zoom on the camera should allow us to see the blue planet core from a long way away.”
“Well, it looks like it’s pointing that way.”

“Then what we waiting for? Let’s go already!”

The two set out on their long, long journey, assuming that their tracking device was steering them the right way. They asteroid hopped, and asteroid hopped, and asteroid hopped, and asteroid hopped. Until finally they completely ran out of asteroids to hop.

“How is the planet core supposed to be that way, if there aren’t even any planet chunks that way!?”

“It seems that I programmed it wrong so it doesn’t give us remotely accurate directions.”

“No dip, Sherlock.”

“Well, I thought it gave off a positive charge but it actually gives off a negative charge.”

“Not everyone here stayed awake during science class.”

“I thought it would pull the magnets when it actually pushed them.”

“Well there’s a planet over there. Let’s go check it out.”

“Okay.”

After reaching the planet, the duo found a small building. Unwisely, they went inside. There were three things sitting at a table that redefined the word “ugly.”

“Hey, uh…we’re not from around here so my little buddy and I were wondering if there was any place where people eat around here.”

“Well now it looks like right here, eh, guys?”

“Oh, crud.”

They raced through the sand with the cannibals hot on their tail.

“Where did we get these cars?”

“I don’t know. Look out for that ramp.”

They both looked at the road ahead and screamed in unison.

“Ah!”

They went straight up and crashed head on into an asteroid.

“Well that was fun. Hey have you noticed that the announcer’s gotten nicer?”

“Yeah. The last one was too aggressive so they hired a new one.”

“I know, he was yelling at you and everything.”

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Current word count: 1219/5000

One day, he was walking down the street, thinking: I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored when suddenly someone from the orphanage staff raced around the corner. York-Smork flew up with his [dead] cat like reflexes. It was so close they were literally biting at his foot stubs. He blasted off into space and posed triumphantly. Suddenly he heard a loud "BOOM!" He looked back but instead of seeing his home planet, he saw a blob of red asteroids.

"Oh, so that's what fireworks look like!" Suddenly...eh, you know what? I'm using the word "suddenly" a little too much. Okay, so, spontaneously, a chair flew up in a super villain-like fashion.

"Ha, ha, ha, huh? A survivor? Oh, well, he'll probably commit suicide."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've destroyed what you love the most. I've taken all your hope and lost it. I've -"

"Okay, people are actually reading this, so just cut to the chase."

"I blew up your planet."

"Why?"

"Because it was fun!"

"You have no idea how bad I want to slap you right now."

"Oh yeah? Well yo mama's so poor, I said that I needed to go to the bathroom and she said, 'Pick a corner.'"

"Well, yo mama's so fat that she stepped on the scale and the scale said 'To infinity and beyond!'"

Both of you, be quiet before I punch you!

"If you exist in a parallel universe, how can you punch either me or shorty fire burning here?"

"Shut the #!@$ up!"

"Hey, I'm not short! Wait, yes I am."

"You got pwned."

Did I not just tell you to shut the number sign exclamation point at sign dollar sign up?

"Okay fine. Go on your stupid little journey to find your stupid little planet core to reassemble your stupid little planet and destroy stupid little me. Oh, god, that came out wrong!"

"That time you got pwned!"

Silence! I'm going to let the story tell itself for a little while. I want you two to do something that's funny yet at the same time does not bring back memories from Family Guy.

"Well we could...wait, no that's stupid. We could always...wait, no that's from Family Guy. Greenie got nothing."

"Well I do."

"What?"

"More yo mama jokes!"

"Yeah!"

Oh, god.

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Current word count: 607/5000

A year from yesterday, way out above China, there was a supervillain named Yorgie. He was your casual, tall, thin headed, mustachioed bad guy who wore the same purple suit and gloves every day. He went around the universe blowing up random planets. Bottom line: he didn’t care about the planet as long as it was blown up.

Moving right along, on Planet Smorgie, there was a boy named York-Smork. He didn’t have magical powers or a rocket ship or a million dollars or even parents. All he had was a purple flying hat and a piece of clothing that wouldn’t be classified as a shirt or pants because it had both arm holes and leg holes.

He used to be at an orphanage but ran away. It wasn’t just because the kids were all bullies or the fact that all the toys were for toddlers, but the big reason was the food. The hot chocolate tasted like water and they put pineapples in the pizza! One time he asked for a cheese sandwich. Just cheese and bread, right? They went and made a grilled cheese and ham sandwich! He hated ham. Since the cheese was melted, he couldn’t take it out. Ever since then, the little green guy tried to blend in as well as he could.